Mark

Well, here is my 2 year later entry... posted on Myspace and Xanga... I hope this works for those of you who still read this thing...

G'day, This is a long time coming... as usual. Once again... I'm going to try to update more regularly. But here is a quick, does not do justice to the experience, synopsis of my weekend.

Friday I worked... after I talked to William about our InterVarsity Chapter next year: vision, leadership, and plans oh my. I walked away REALLY EXCITED about all that next year holds for our chapter. This is in opposition to me usually walking away really excited about next year. But I went to class... went to work... worked on my papers due this week. At 5, I got off went home and packed my stuff to go down to Champaign. I picked up Raina got her packed. Went downtown and ate at Wendy's... I know... we're classy. And off we went to go see RENT. The show was fantastic even though the cast was not quite as good as some of the others I have seen. It was awesome none the less!!! I was late picking up Libby... only by a couple of hours... which is lame... I hate being late... but I'm good at it. It needs to stop, and I'm the one to do it. Anyway, I tried to get ahold of Lisa to no avail... :( so we continued down to Champaign.

I got home around 2:30ish and set up sleeping arrangements. In the morning we got up... got to Church at 8:30 and met up with our fellow Hyde Parkers. It was such a blessing to see so great a showing from our Church at the Young Adult Conference. Amanda informed me about the subject matter of the previous night. Voice 2006 conference was about finding your voice... what’s unique to you... but not in a way you can offer way... but in a "what can be called out of you" way. The topic of the weekend was "The Barbarian Revolt". If you scream to God during worship because you authentically desire God... don't hold back.... Don't let anybody else hold back your authentic love for God. Anyway, the Worship was unbelievable, Robbie Reider is fantastic!

I have to give the Rick Olmstead biography.

Rick is the Senior Pastor and founder of the Vineyard Church of Fort Collins. He loves seeing people come alive in Christ, grow, and change. Rick is originally from Los Angeles, California, and moved to Colorado to start the church in 1982. He has been a pastor for 29 years. Rick was a High School teacher/coach/principal before he became a pastor.
Rick feels God's call to be a father to young adults. He is passionate about the Sunday night Overdrive service which is comprised of 300-400 young adults every week. Rick wants to see the next generation raised up to hear God's voice and minister with power to people around them.

Rick was our speaker. He was amazing; he had a whole talk on a God being your Father. Talk about a touchy subject. Hearing his story was heart breaking!!! I kept trying to be tough... I was determined not to cry. He played a video... yeah cried... played a clip from the Passion of the Christ... cried... Prayed that we would not only forgive our parents but let them love us when they choose.... cried... He brought up all the people who had their father absent from their lives entirely... cried... I felt so blessed... and so weak. God really is my father.... my dad... my daddy... So I connected with that part of my life even more. The next thing we talked about was being a barbarian and breaking loose. He said so many encouraging things about what he sees in our generation. He asked us not to be tame but to be who you are. SCREAM to God if you it is authentic worship, dance if you feel like expressing your love like that, open up and offer yourself… your personality… who God has made you… back to Him. The community we experienced this weekend left me thirsty for more. I am inspired to seek more.

We convinced Toya to stay with us for the whole weekend and hang out. We had many theological conversations and I have to admit… I was stretched… and I always learn so much by discussing with my brothers and sisters. It was wonderful to be with my fellow church members and seek God together.
Sunday was wonderful the message was wonderful, it was about persevering struggles. But the young adult service WAS GREAT!!! Rick spoke again and talked about hearing God and had everybody open up to God in ministry time. It was relaxed and the stories he had about his own failures made me feel comfortable to step out. I am grateful for Rick and his heart for young adults. Shortly after we all drove back to Chicago.
I had a wonderful weekend. God is so wonderful to me… to us. I couldn’t even begin to describe how grateful I am for God and for everything He has done in my life and all the plans He has for me.

Praise Jesus for taking our spot in death and giving us life and for rising to give us hope.

Praise the Father for His heart for us, for being counting the cost of reconciling us to Himself.

Praise the Holy Spirit for touching our lives and making our path level to follow the will of God’s life.


PS. I was trying to figure out my password... It took me a while... Sadly I found it... my sister set up my account for me YEARS ago... my password is "peckerhead"... I laughed... and then changed it... weird.

Well, I don't update much... all my friends out there... you know this... and I'm sorry that I don't. However, how about this... On live journal, I'll post all of my Spiritual/Psychological thoughts.... and on my xanga site I'll more often talk about my social/physical life/School life. That being said check out my Xanga site sometime: http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=AshScarb

Aside from that I just wanted to tell you all back at home that I miss you all dearly... I really want to come home and visit you all soon. Some of you I have been closest to; Sarah, Sabrina, Kaycee, Savannah, and especially my old church family: Brad and Katie Hart, Emily, Adam, Zack, and the Hodges, you have all make this time in Chicago a tough one... I want to come home and see you. I was planning on this weekend but I had Make a Difference Day for Service for Peace and football today for IV. That being said... I haven't been able to get back... :(

Then I thought maybe next weekend... but I have InterVarsity Retreat which is going to be an incredible place to connect with God. And you all know me... I wouldn't miss it for the world. So... not next weekend. Maybe the weekend after... nope... I have Military Ball... Soooooooo... not happening then either... looks like I'll see you all the following week... possibly the 13th and 14th... I need to go back to home church... I miss the Vineyard... More than I can even express. Well... I'm off... remember to read my Xanga!!!! :) Miss you all! Remember.... if you ever want to call... I'm around.... if you ever want to visit Chicago... I'll be sure to open up my schedule. Love ya all. PEACE!

Quick update. So serv-evange has been incredible. I met a bunch of people with AIDS, more homeless, recovering drug addicts, and a few dealers. I actually got to pray over a few people, which was incredible. Aside from that, I've been hanging out with the intervarsity crew here... I love them... I've been helping out with getting the word out for them... today I sat at their booth and played some worship songs which was wonderful... The people there are wonderful!!!! :)

Aside from that, classes haven't been all that bad. I'm looking for extra-curriculars. I might join the breakdancing team!!! That would be Rocktacu... no... RAPtacular. And I don't know yet.... but I might join a frat... We'll see. Anyway... I must get back to studying.

Bye everyone, I miss you all!

So, the update of the week!!!! HOLY CHILDREN, check this out... So, when I first got to Chicago I thought about where I would go to church... I looked at the options... and there are many: Vineyards- Evanston, Oak Park, Humboldt Park... not to mention about a thousand other denomonation churches. From the beginning I thought that I would most likely go to the Oak Park services regularly and just help out at the Humboldt Park Vineyard. So, Sunday comes around. I go to Oak Park's service at 9 and right away I meet this guy from a similar background who is going to medschool of all places and wants to get to know me better... the service is pretty incredible, and afterward I talk to the pastor who is adament about learning more about me... A ton of people there were Gung-ho about me staying there with them. But I take off, I get to the Humboldt Park Vineyard for the 10:30 Sevice. Though I show up a little late because Oak Park got out at 10:30... When I enter I see an incredibly diverse church, and I feel like I'm suppose to be there. I listen to the message which was nothing short of life changing... the pastor, Ray, has Mexican-American heritage, so half the things he says he translates to Spanish which makes his message that much more intriguing. So I talk to Tom, the evangelism director and he wants me to be on the team. This was what I had been hearing for the last month I have been praying.

So, I went out to hand out soda this evening and oh my goodness... To make it short, I recieved a philosophy lesson from a "dealer", I got almost all my soda (and I'm talking about 40 sodas, if not more) robbed from me by a small group of Mexican-American kids, and I got prophesied to by a homeless man (who says he was saved) who was insistent that we take him back to the church with us... On the way back we prayed for discernment on what we should do in regards to the man, afterall it is hard to trust the intentions of some people in this city... but we let him take a shower and change his clothes. He took from us a bunch of pamphlets we were passing out, and he told us that he hoped to come back and see us again sometime. It seemed like we reached a lot of people... we talked to people from various walks and positions in life. But nothing extraordinary happened... we didn't know what was going to happen to the homeless guy who promised to return... maybe he would throw away the pamphlets he took from us and go to the streets looking for money.
But an hour later, as I sat at a red light about 7 blocks from the church. I look out the window and there is the homeless guy... stopping people on the sidewalk and telling them about the wonderful church down the road, and the people who go there. He is handing out the pamphlets he took from us and EVEN speaking in spanish to the people of Mexican heritage who walked past! A smile is tattooed on his face... and you could see the fire burning in his soul... a man renewed... by faith... by love and kindness... by God!
Our prayers previous to the hand out were all answered. We asked to see the most hopeless of the hopeless... the dealer, and the homeless man... We asked for diversity... the Mexicans, and African Americans... We asked for a new found hope... and that homeless man did it for both Tom and I.

I know now why I am here... God still dwells in the streets of this city... and I have to make it known!

Well, here I am... in Chicago on the West UIC campus. I live in an apartment style dorm; I have my own room, which is quite spacious. I share a kitchenette, bathroom, and dining area with two other guys. Justin is an ex-marine who is a "man's man", he likes to drink beer and loves to talk about women... I myself don't drink and I've overcome my past problems with lust, praise the Lord... it kind of puts me in an odd place with him though. Patrick, the grad student, is always in and out and I haven't seen him for any more than 5 minutes. But they both seem like really cool guys. Justin had a bunch of girls over last night, and I ended up hanging out with all of them. It was a pretty good time, although everybody else was drinking... something that I'm pretty used to by now. God makes the best out of those situations though by strengthening my convictions.

In similar news, I went for a long walk yesterday morning and there are so many people here hurting for Jesus. It really motivated me to want to do something... I NEED to get involved in helping the people of this area.
Sorrow and hopelessness flows in some of the streets here... I can feel it... it plays on my emotions and it presses firmly on my heart. Prayers I offer up, to Him, to the only one who can change it... but there is more I have to do here. Use me oh Lord and change this broken venue. Give these people hope in this time of despair, mend the cracks that have become apparent in their souls. Let them see the love you offer and illuminate the darkness with your glorious, holy light. Thank you Lord, for in your precious name are our prayers spoken. Amen.

I must say that I already miss a bunch of people from home. Emily Hoerr, Sabrina, Kaycee, the guys of my small group: Adam and Zach in particular, Sarah Baker, and Brad and Katie Hart. I'm sad that I didn't get to say goodbye to a few people... but there is very little I can do about it now.

Well, I had better continue my search for a job... there are hospitals EVERYWHERE... perhaps it's time to put my EMT license to good work... :) Lend me your prayers on this one.

*** I'm on 2 Chronicles 2 now I need to step up the studying a notch. Any encouragement you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Ok so I spoke before about "the first church of the living dead"... I know this is short notice and all... but I'm going to school soon so I figured that I had better go... soon. The web site says meetings are every Thursday @ 7:30 at Decatur IL... If I get a person or two to go with me, I think I'll go tomorrow... So, if anybody is up for a crazy journey to Decatur to see a Goth Church... of the "living dead?!" let me know! spiffy stuff.

*** As far as my readings go I am currently through 2 Kings and am on the 17th chapter of 1 Choronicals... the fist 9 chapters where brutal... I can't stand genealogies.

It has been ages since I last updated. But now that I found out that everybody and thier mom has livejournal at Vineyard... including most everybody in my small group, I figure maybe I should write more. Afterall, this is a good outlet for keeping me accountible and stuff. So, along with more more postings I'm going to note what I have read in God's word. I'm hoping this will help me get on top of my reading for good.

Anyhow, about things lately. Last night I went and played volleyball with the guys from one of my two small groups. I found that I am much better at talking than I am at playing. Although the games were fun, Adam provided most of the entertainment with his serving screams and song singing. Afterward we all went to Mike Shannon's birthday get together. Good times, great oldies. The rest of the night I went home and tried to get my computer cd recording software together because I have been dying to make my 80's CD. No such luck. But, what can you do. Anyway. God has been incredible lately. He has brought me closer to so many people, and I am feeling that he wants me to reach out more to those around me. I'm waiting to see His next move.

I'm going to small group #2 tonight with Sabrina, yey!, so I'm pretty curious as to what the holy spirit is going to do tonight. But I'm excited. And with that I'll take my leave.


*** Bible update: I've read all of the New Testiment thus far, and I've read Through much of the Old Testiment I've gotten to 2 Kings 18 so far in my countinuous readings but I've also got a lot of Job read, and a bunch of Psalms, Proverbs, and of course Song of Songs too. But that still leaves me with a lot to read. Today I've gone through 2 Kings 15:17-17:41, hopefully I'll get through a couple more chapters today. :) *** Help me keep accountible

I'm a generally unfuckwitted, liberal, disgustingly generous, relatively well adjusted human being!
See how compatible you are with me!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey


Hmmm... interesting.

Well tonight at Gordman's I ran into these two people who where pretty Gothed out. They apparently have a church called The First Church of the Living Dead... They have a website http://www.thefirstchurchofthelivingdead.com I think... just for grins... I'm going to take a little trip to Decatur and check this place out. It's suppose to be for "outcasts" christians who want a place to fit in and worship and stuff. It looks genuine... but I don't know...

Anybody want to take a trip to check it out some Saturday.... If so... do you have any black clothes, make up, spikes, and chains I can wear? :) This is going to be off the wall crazy.

I just wanted to let everybody from MSHS, who have finals, know that I will be at Lake of the Woods Park this Tuesday and Wednesday from 9-3:30, both days. I will have badmitton set up and I will also have an ultimate frisby handy in case you want to play. I will be cooking hamburgers, cheeseburgers, and hotdogs... ALL FOR FREE MIGHT I ADD. I will also have plenty of junk food: chips, brownies, cookies, and maybe some candy. No cost.

So, in short:

I will be at Swiss Vally, the big pavillion place near the spill way.
Both Tuesday and Wednesday 9 am - 3:30 pm

FREE FOOD:

HOT DOGS
HAMBURGERS
CHEESEBURGERS
CHIPS
BROWNIES
COOKIES
CANDY

There will be:

Badmitton
Ultimate frisby
Hackysack

So don't go spend all your money at Arbys and McDonalds... get free food from me.
Please tell all of the Freshmen, Sophomores, and Juniors... heck... invite EVERYBODY you can.
Please don't make this a clicke event... invite everybody you can. Thanks everybody... This service is brought to you in hopes that your finals days will be less stressful and more entertaining. Hope to see you there. If you have any questions call my cell 417-6562 or email me at mscarbrough78@hotmail.com . Thanks! :)

I'm sorry, to all of you whom I have hurt... to those who I blinkly stuck the knife into. To those who can see my love for what it is... selfish and uncompassionate. I'm sorry to those I stepped on in my attempt to make myself content. I am not the person everybody thinks I am... I am not the giving, loving, compassionate man some people think they see. I am instead a hording, self-oriented, spiteful person... who does not deserve the time of day from those who have blessed me with the love and care of their hearts.... or even the grace of their presence. I am nothing more than a "mean girl" myself... and tonight... I have pushed myself in front of a bus, only to be hit... It is my turn to suffer while others rest... To all who I have hurt.... forgive me....

and Father.... don't let me sin this way anymore....

Things have been pretty good lately! Work is the same as it ever was, but golly, I love my coworkers. I get to go to prom again on Saturday! I can't wait, It is going to be a blast... but I have turned into one of those people I always use to hate. I'm out of high school and I'm still going to all these high school functions... I'm so lame... But I'm alright with that. :) Yay for prom.

Oh yeah, now it is my turn to post this little quiz. I would be grateful for personal feedback.

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you have a crush on me?
5. Would you kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
7. Describe me in one word.
8. What was your first impression?
9. Do you still think that way about me now?
10. What reminds you of me?
11. If you could give me anything what would it be?
12. How well do you know me?
13. When's the last time you saw me?
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
15. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

Hello all... I would like to start by saying that prom was absolutely incredible, mainly due to the company I had and the presence of the Holy Spirit... in the same way He use to manifest Himself to me, some time ago. I could not have asked for a better evening... and on that note I will breathe again and realize where I am.

I am currently on a break from studying for my Calc test... I just need to get my feelings out. God has been faithful to me to no end... and I could forever sing His praises. You, YHWH are truly magnificent. But I hurt. Lord,Your will be done.... even if it is at my heart's expense. You have told me to remain close, but I have been told to let go. This is the only thing that makes sense to me anymore, I hope this is the answer. Now I need rest, Lord, if it is meant to be... then I will wait as long as You want. If it's over than show me my next move. I believe in Your Unconditional Love and Faithfulness, Lord. Help me... please help me... I need You.

Letting go... this is going to be tough...

I trust you Lord... I will not doubt You... But I need You, now more than ever. I know of Your power, and Your unending compassion. I have faith in Your ways, YHWH.

Sorry I haven't written in a while, but I rarely find the time anymore. Things have been really crazy lately so I figured that I would get everything writen out so that these thoughts would stop running through my head.

Well, just to let you all know, in reference to my last post, things have changed... I feel God comforting me and telling that things are going to get better. My faith is being challenged by the enemy but God is being so gracious to me and he is helping me stand firm.

There are several things that have been troubling me lately. First of all, my grandmother died, and that hurt... Susie went with me to visit her at the hospital when she was sick... I wasn't as much a part of her life as I would have liked to be, but with all I knew about her I loved her, and it sucks to see her go. The second thing on my heart is Brent's disappearence. I use to wrestle with him back in Jr. High... and during high school I would hang out with him sparatically throughout the years. And even this year... I would alway run into him on campus, I would eat lunch with him on occasion... and I always told him that we would hang out this semester when I didn't have a ton of studying to do... it looks like that is no long something that I have to look forward to. This hurts really bad... I have also been occupied with concern for another whom I have not yet lost, but seems to be lost only to me. Among other worries are my grades and future. I have so many test and quizes that are before me... and I am ill prepared and full of anxiety. Though I have been accepted to the University of Illinois in Chicago there doesn't seem to be a great chance that I will be able to be able to get campus housing... and therefore I still might not be able to go. With so much unclarity, times just seem to be rough.

But with everything going on right now I have been able to breath more easily. God is lighting my way, and I see more clearly now than I have before... though I am still mournful and I feel like I have lost several people who are very important to me... I have been able smile and know that He is taking care of it all. He is showning me so much, he has showed me through my grandmother that my father does love his children even though he has a hard time expressing it. Through Brent he has showed me that there is more to life than grades and the future, there are friends, there is family, there is love all around us and God is the center of it all. He has shown me that although my heart does not feel complete anymore, He is going to rebuild it, and through this faith in my soul, and this love in my bruised heart He will provide for that which He promised me nearly a year ago... even though the sign of that promise has been stored away, it will return to the place it once rested. He will provide for my future... it is no longer my responsibility... And He will provide me with that which I need, and He will care for that which I have set free... until it returns... even if it be an eternity... I am willing to wait.

Thank you God, for your unending faithfulness and love. My heart longs to know you more, and I know that through the situations that have presented themselves, though they hurt, you are in control. I believe, Father, that Your hand is on me and your heart rests in me. Heavenly father, in anticipation I wait... and I will continue to wait until you call me to be used by Your healing hands. I love You, Lord. In Jesus's precious name. Amen.



There's a song that's inside, filled my soul
it's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But you sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
and I lift my hands and pray
to be only yours I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
when it feels like my dreams are so far
sing to me of the plans that you have for me over again

So I lay my head back down
and I lift my hands and pray
to be only yours I pray
to be only yours I know now
your'e my only hope

I give you my destiny I'm giving you all of me
I want your symphony singing in all that I am
at the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
and I lift my hands and pray
to be only yours I pray
to be only yours I pray
to be only yours I know now
you're my only hope

It has been a long time since I last updated but I wanted to give a few choice words to LIFE.

Dear Life,

I just wanted to tell you how much I hate you for SUCKING SO BAD LATELY! I have tried to make you good and happy... Failure is obviously one of my defining points. I know that I have tried to stop swearing... but SHIT ON YOU, LIFE. All those school subjects that I know so much about... why am I failing the tests covering the material? Why am I alone? Why do I fail everything after trying so hard? Why can't I get the scholarship that I have been trying for the last 4 years of my life? Why do I have a feeling I will never get into med school? Why do I feel like the next person I see has to get a punch in the face? I'm pissed... I haven't been this angry in a long long time. What could be worse for me? I know what could be worse! I could get rejected from transferring to the U of I in Chicago. Hmm... it's been about 7 weeks now... no response... I was suppose to hear from them last week... Well LIFE you win again... just give me the rejection letter to verify that I will always be an enormous waste of space! Up yours Life.

Your rival always,
Ash

Well here you all go, I'm sure you are all breathless/speechless/overjoyed that I am posting anything. So here is the moment you all have been waiting for to jump from your seats and do you personally customized happy dance in honor of this posting. I would like to apologize for the length of time that has taken place between my last posting and this one... and now... and update on my life.

Well, things lately have been wonderful. My time has been spent working, attending church groups, attending MDA camp, and hanging out with quite the variety of people. So here is my update... Work.... it sucks as always, I am relieved that I get to spend about one more month there before I am off to SIUC. On the other hand my church the Vineyard in Urbana has shown me some amazing things about faith and love in Jesus. It has been amazing and I would encourage anybody out there in the Champaign/Urbana area who hasn't ever been there once to take a look at it if you are not happy with your church... or lack there of. Anyhow, I have been in this group there that is known as ALPHA... and Susie and I had the privilege of being in a small group with group leaders Ginger and Steave whom we have become rather great friends with. Anyhow, they have this one day where everybody in ALPHA goes to a park and experiences the holy spirit first hand. (known to all as "Holy Spirit Day") Even as I first became a Christian my faith was really hanging on the edge of my life. But I can honestly say that I DO BELIEVE NOW... my faith is concrete. I have been more happy now than I have ever been in my entire life. I feel more at peace than ever, and it looks like I am going to get baptized on Aug. 2nd and I am SO stoked!

Well other than that I have been at MDA camp ===> Muscular Dystrophy Association Camp. It was quite the experience. I know that God was the one who brought me to it. I have always loved children and I have always wanted to medically help children with illnesses. God gave me the opportunity to act as the counselor for a boy that had MD. It was quite a draining, stressful, horrible, and disturbing; yet wonderful, hope provoking, compassion filled, power displaying, and God honoring week. I have never had to help feed, bath, and change somebody. God taught me so much and it was him who brought me to do it.

Other than that I have had the most amazing time with some of my friends lately. I have been running about 2 miles every night with Ben Pelg. I have got a few great times to go do stuff with Blake... and of course there is Susie. My goodness, the things I feel for that wonderful woman. I have had the most wonderful time of my life with her. She is my equal in every way yet she exceeds me in most everything. I am so in awe about how mysterious, compassionate, understanding, devoted, loving, accepting, God honoring, hopeful, goal oriented, helpful, giving, (etc, etc.) she is. I could go on forever. Many of you out there have known the crap I have gone through in my life and she is so forgiving of all of my short comings. It is impossible to ask for a better person to spend your life with, so with that in mind I will thank my Lord above for sending me such a prized angel. Praises be to He who reigns over us all. I have so much hope in the future, I hope for those of you who see and hear me... you can see that I have the up most faith that we are going to make it... no matter what. Well, I better run. All my love to you all.

Here I am again... I know it has been quite a while... but to make up for it I will make this posting a bit longer than normal. Where can I possibly begin? Maybe from my last posting... that sounds like a good idea. So, A couple of weekends ago I went to Southern to visit Ben for my spring break. Finally I was going to get a chance to see the campus where I was going to be going to school. It was beautiful and I was really happy to see Ben again. The first night we sat around with his sister Holly and talked about old times and how life has progressed. I kept on talking about Susie non-stop, but all I could say was that I adored her to no end. She has made me feel things that I never would have imagined... and she was leading me on this amazing spiritual journey. I have always been reluctant to undertake an organized religion since I was pushed to hard at a younger age. Anyway, I took Ben back to his dorm and stayed the night at Holly's place. I woke up and took a shower... I checked out the mall and drove around town all day until Ben got out of class. While at the mall I found this beautiful silver cross and chain that I wanted to get Susie... but I had insufficient funds to get that and make it home... so I decided to wait until I left before I bought it. But it was overwhelming how badly I wanted to get it for her. After all she had become my spiritual support, and I thought it would be perfect to show my thanks. She has all my admiration for all the faith and love she puts into our Lord. Ben actually ended up convincing me to drink with him and I got pretty plowed... I kept telling him how much Susie ment to me, and his only response was, "You're falling for her aren't you." He couldn't have been more right. When I came back to Mahomet the following morning I went to the Muscular Distrophy Association meeting to be interviewed for being a summer camp volunteer with Susie. It went well and I met some great people. I can't wait to share such a wonderful experience with her. Any how, I gave her the necklace and we went to the Vineyard for worship. During the service they were talking about doing things in the Lord's name without being evangelistic. I was thinking the whole time about how God really has become a desire in my life and how I wanted to know Him better and serve Him, for all that He has done for us and for everything He continues to do. After we had left I felt relieve and comforted and I was wondering where to go next from that point. Susie seemed kinda distant when we got back to my house. I told her how much I missed her and how I wouldn't stop thinking about her for a second. She asked me why I went drinking with Ben... I had always been one to fall to peer pressure... not that I can blame it entirely on that. That was our past time... he and I would spend all summer drinking together... it only seemed natural to continue with it all. But after waking up in the morning I felt bad about it, knowing that Susie would not be too pleased with the news... in fact I wasn't pleased with myself... I kinda decided that I wanted to stop drinking like that... more like hardly at all after waking that morning. But as I told her what brought me to drink with Ben she was asking me where I was with God. I thought about how I REALLY wanted to be with him and to be free of sin... how I was more than willing to undertake His will and become more like what I wanted to be.... like her. And in her eyes I could see so much hope in me for what I could be. And I sat and repeated the words she said with every bit of hope, love, and passion in my soul. I sat in tears of joy wrapped in her arms as she consoled me for what it was that I just did. I felt overcome with wonder and hopes... and I realized... "I love her." And in that moment, half crying in her arms I told her... and she held me tighter and I felt so relieved, as she repeated those same words back to me. I have since fallen for her over and over and over again, and with every waking day a new feeling overcomes me. I am thankful to Christ for sending her to me, I know that this was all part of his plan... And we'll have to see where we are led by this. I have had so many new feelings... but I will leave those for a nothere time... I'm sure that this posting is more than long enough to suffice for the lack of writing I have done before. Anyway, I will write about more current events ASAP.
You all have a great day.

Wow, what a day! It was nothing short of wonderful. Waking up numberous times this morning was absolutely wonderful. Lets just say my wonderful dreams were answered. After showing I went to Church for the first time in a long time with Susie. I feel so carefree and relieved. I can't wait to see where this takes me... Looks like I'm going to be going back this next week, I'll have to ask about it but hopefully I can help with some of the children at The Vineyard. If nothing else it convinced me to undertake the studying of yet another recreational book, other than LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA (Wondeful book thus far might I add). Afterward I had the pleasure of accompanying Susie on a short lived shopping adventure before I went to work. Work... was terrible... but at the same time it was not nearly as bad as it usually is... maybe due to my possitive outlook of the day. Afterward I came home and talked online a bit... then I went to talk to Nick. It is always great to talk to that guy, for some reason his reasoning makes so much sense to me. We talked about religion and about how the world works. If everybody were as much of an inspirational, vocal, livewire as he is then this world would be SO GRAND! Anyhow, I drove home, and Really prayed... while keeping my eyes on the road of course. It was really uplifing, just like the service this morning.... but right after I got finished I saw this dear on the side of the road... I stopped so that if he did run out in front of me I wouldn't hit him. He just kept watching me... It made me think of Susie on the night that I asked her out... For some reason... that night I must have come upon 4 different groups of deer. It kinda made me wonder... a sign?! Who knows but I am so happy that everything is going so well. I feel like I am growing so much, and I have so many people to thank. I just wish that I would have gotten the AFROTC scholarship... so it looks like I am headed to Southern. Sure, that is where I wanted to go... but I don't wanna leave anymore... I don't want to leave behind everthing and EVERYBODY that I care about so much. As I see it... when I go to Southern, I'll join AFROTC anyway... and I am going to excel past everbody. Next year I will get that scholarship and I will transfer to the U of I in C-U. I just don't want to leave all the wonderful people I have here though. But as a godsent angel once told me... The Blessed Union of Souls had said it best when they said, "Love will find a way". Well, G'night everybody. You all have my love.

*hands are shaking* My muscles are all contracting at the same time... I remember this feeling... It is the feeling of being completely let down and PISSED OFF... after I tried SO HARD... *slams fist on the desk* I don't want to swear... but this time I will make the exception.... Never good enough... always one step behind.... I will grow from this... it is all a test.... I will strive on... I always do... at least I still have ALL my inspiration... this doesn't change anything... it just makes things more complicated... Fortune favors the brave!

Have you ever felt those chills? The type that comes from playing your favorite song REALLY loud until you think that your speakers are going to burst, as you Sing or more to the point Scream the lyrics at the top of your lungs. How about the ones that follow a momentious shift of emotion in your surroundings... the type where you could feel what the people around you feel... unexpecting it at first... but welcoming it after it takes you by suprise? How about one of my personal favorites when you feel the hand of the person you adore reach out to touch you... those are the ones where you feel like your heart is blown from your chest... your body quivers as the "hole" is filled with tranquility and immeasurable bliss, and you can feel the occillations caused by the blast across your skin as the feelings inside you echo to relax every muscle? How about the ones you get when you are taken by suprise as a result from a spiritual awakening that you know is going to make you far more powerful than you ever dreamed.... like you know that you will never be allone? How about the chills your receive after you meet a long "lost" friend unexpectedly and his or her words (that you have heard a thousand times from other people) take on a new meaning to you that you never thought they would. There are several other instances that I can mention... Each type of "chills" is unique... I love it when I get them... I know to me that it means that I should look deeper than I am.... that I should realize something of great importance just happened.

I can say that over the past two weeks I have experience so many different types of these such reactions to the events taking place around me. I have realized so much! To start with I have gained so much inspiration from so many different people... For example... today I went to my new Doc's office for a check up... upon entering I found somebody that I had not seen in a long time... About 3 and a half years ago I began working at Jamboree... a local grocery store. One of my managers was a woman named Taunya, she asked me what I wanted to do with my life... I told her of my plans to be a pediatric physician. She always told me stories about her life in medicine... She is incredibly intelligent; she always informed me about how she had the world at her hands... how she was going to become this great doctor or nurse. She had to put "this" life on hold for some very important problems she was experiencing, so she said. One of the other managers would always tell me that she was full of it... I never wanted to believe him... but I thought it was rather odd how somebody with so many aspirations would end up managing Jamboree. I ended up leaving Jambo... but I always returned to see her... but because Jambo closed down for good, I lost track of her. She was always very inspirational to me. But... I saw her today... she had a new spark of life in her... so many things that were wrong with her life cleared.

She is attending Med school in Chicago in her free time. And working at the hospital in Champaign to pay for it. Anyway... when I saw her today she told me that she was expecting me... because my father saw her yesterday and told her I would be coming in for my own appointment. She gave me a note... and it said as follows:

Mark,

You know that I have always thought very highly of you. I think you are a wonderful person and you have so much potential! So I just wanted to give you a little friendly advice. Please learn from my mistakes. You have made some wonderful goals for yourself, so just make sure your heart is in it and go for it full force!! Don't let anything get in your way, or ever settle for anything less! The longer you put your goals and dreams aside for other things the harder it is to reach them and eventually you find yourself just letting go of them! you have the heart and mind to do great things and make a difference in so many lives. you have the chance now to get your dream, so go get it!! My thoughts and prayers will always be with you. Good luck and love,
Taunya

Again... just like the words I often recieve from my sister... I was given the chills... I stood and still stand taller than before, more proud... I feel more powerful than I have before... like I could do anything... And I began to think... of my inspiration...

Susie... Only a short time, but yet I feel so much... You are inspiring me to test my spiritual and emotional boundries. I feel as if the world could fall in on me right now, and I would be fine... as long as I had you next to me I would be protected from pain. I feel like I am growing so much, in so many ways... I hope this lasts for a long time! With both you and God with me, my compassion and love will grow to limitless lengths.

Amber... You have become my stronghold for everything... I wish I was more like you, strong in the ways you are... with everything you say to me, I am able to find peace in whatever comes my way.

Kaycee... I don't think that there is another person out there with as much spirit as you have. By spirit I mean that you always seem to find the strength to press forward... no matter what gets in your way. Your love has no boundries and you are always able to see light in even the darkest of times.

Sarah... You are without a doubt one of the greatest people I have to talk to... There is never any judgement.... Your opened mind and liberal attitude is so admirable... Whenever I feel people have lost all hopes of opening their minds to others... you remain the one person that helps me see that there are so many wonderful things around me that I should be happy about...

Everybody out there means SO much to me... with all of you around me, I will walk taller with my chin in the air... looking forward to see what will come of tomorrow...

You all have my love!